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22 September 2006 @ 06:22 pm
The Word--Lose (9/20/06)  

Stephen Colbert: Midterm elections are only a month and a half away, and the pundits are all atwitter over the possibility of one or even both houses of Congress going to the Democrats. "Ooooh!" they say. "Disaster looms for the Republicans!" they say. Well, let me tell you something: speaking in a high-pitched voice doesn't make something true.

I've got a foolproof way for the Republicans to win. And it's tonight's Word: lose.

  • Lose

Lose. Let's face it: the government is a mess.

  • Like A Hurricane Hit It

And with Republicans in control of the White House and the Congress, there's only one party for the voters to blame. I say these upcoming piddly-poo midterms don't even matter.

  • Like Congress

I mean, folks, did you know that in midterm elections you don't even get to vote for the president?

  • Unless Using Diebold Machine

But two years from now, when you can vote for the president, the Republicans will need a platform.

  • Hopefully With A Trap Door

And rather than running on their record, of the war or the deficit, it'll be much easier to run against the do-nothing Democratic Congress we elected in 2006. I mean, those Democrats ruined everything.

  • For The Richest 1%

And you know what? I'm not the only one who thinks this is a good idea. In this month's Atlantic Monthly, analyst Chuck Todd writes, "...some of the best avenues to winning in 2008 involve losing in 2006." And just last week, conservative columnist Ramesh Ponnuru (friend of the show) wrote in the New York Times, quote, "A straight loss...would make the Republicans hungrier and sharpen their wits."

Hungry Republicans. When's the last time you heard that phrase?

  • At NRA Dinner

But... It's true. Losing always makes you fight harder the next time around.

  • I'm Coming For You, Manilow!

So. Let's, um... let's say we lost the war in Iraq. That would just make our troops sharper and hungrier for the war in Iran.

  • And Losing That Would Make Them Hungry For Syria

But the best thing--the best thing about Republicans losing control of the House?

  • The Republicans Losing Control of The House?

Well, I think National Review columnist Jonah Goldberg said it best. Quote,

[Picture: Nancy Pelosi]

"A Pelosi-run House could horrify voters."

[Picture: Pelosi with a really ugly wig. (Yeah, it loses a little in translation.)]

So. I never thought I'd be saying this, but Republicans, get out there and lose those Congressional seats. Revisit some of your big backfires. Like Terri Schiavo. There's gotta be another woman who's famous for being in a vegetative state.

[Picture: Paris Hilton]

And don't... and don't let people forget about the Abramoff thing.

[Picture: Bob Nay]

Ohio Congressman Bob Nay's doing his part. Last week he pleaded guilty to taking bribes, but he's not resigning his office, and Majority Leader John Baynor isn't calling for it. Nicely done, gentlemen. You've got to sell the culture of corruption!

  • Should Be Easy After Selling A War

Most of all, President Bush--President Bush, you can help. Get out there and campaign for your fellow Republicans. Remind the voters, these guys stood by you, and you're going to stand by them!

  • Even If They Beg You Not To

Folks, there's nothing shameful about losing. Sometimes losing can be glorious. Remember, you Republicans are the party of Jesus.

  • And Will Be Crucified on 11/7

It may look... it may look like you die, but in 2008, you will rise again. Just like the Lord.

  • Lord Voldemort

And that's the Word.