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28 October 2005 @ 08:40 pm
Episode 2--The Word (Bacchanalia)  
I have no life. This seems a given, since I'm home on a Friday night transcribing Colbert Report clips. But, you know, to each her own.

There will be six more of these. Because I have no life.


October 18, 2005

Stephen Colbert: ABC just announced that they are yanking Ted Koppel as the host of Nightline and replacing him with three anchors. Well, you know what, ABC? You're overreacting. The Colbert Report's only been on the air for one day. For you to panic and pull Koppel...! I mean, Nightline's been a model of journalistic integrity for twenty-five years. I would've thought you had the guts to tough it out. Although, I accept your surrender.

So, who's replacing Koppel? ABC's chief White House correspondent, Terry Moran; Primetime Live co-anchor, Cynthia McFadden; and celebrity scandal-whore, Martin Bashir. Nothin' against these guys, but they've all shown their colors. Moran had a chance to snatch back Elian Gonzales--didn't have the cojones to do it. McFadden cut her teeth covering the OJ trial; really brought a nuance the other 1500 reporters didn't. And I'm sorry; I just don't think Martin Bashir will be the same without his long-time partner, Michael Jackson. Sorry to see those two break up.

No, people prefer their news from a single authoritarian voice. Then you set up a Nightline that's some kind of freaky journalistic three-way. Ménages à trois sound good on the surface, but trust me--they're overrated. I like to focus.

Which leads us to tonight's Word: bacchanalia.

  • Bacchanalia


It means, "a drunken party".

  • Party


Named after Bacchus, the Roman god of body shots.

It seems that a Catholic school in Long Island, Kellenberg Memorial High, named in memory of Saint Kellenberg--patron saint of buzzkills, apparently--has a problem with proms.

  • Prom-Blems


The party houses in the Hamptons, the liquor-lubricated limos, the booze cruises--all the time-honored venues for vomiting.

  • Your Mom's Car


So the school's principal, Brother Kenneth M. Hoagland, cancelled this year's event, saying, "Kellenberg is willing to sponsor a prom, but not an orgy."

Bra-vo.

  • Clap Clap Clap


Or so I thought until I read Hoagland's real reason for cancelling:

"It's not primarily the sex/booze/drugs that surround the event... it is rather the flaunting of affluence, assuming exaggerated expenses, a pursuit of vanity for vanity's sake--in a word, financial decadence."

  • Financial Decadence


First of all, financial decadence? That's two words.

  • Count 'Em!


What is this teaching our children? That affluence is not supposed to be flaunted? Do you know what would happen to our economy if the rich stopped acting rich?

  • Bad Stuff


America has a simple deal with the wealthy: we cut their taxes, and in return they inspire us with their gloriously macked-out cribs--

  • Macked-Out Cribs


--golden toilets--

  • Golden Toilets


--and young, taut trophy wives.

  • Tear Me Off A Piece Of That


It's not a new concept, either.

  • Old School


All the great civilizations encouraged ostentatious... ostentation.

  • It's a Word


What were the pyramids or the Taj Mahal, after all, but rich people playing "Pimp My Afterlife"?

  • I'd Watch That


Yeah, I know, the--I know the Ca--this is a Catholic school, and Jesus said "It's easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of Heaven"--

  • Matthew 19:24


--But may I remind Brother Hoagland, our nation is rich enough to buy some really huge needles. With eyes you could drive a limo full of drunk prom kids through.

  • Designated Camel


But I'll tell you what's really going on here, folks. This prom is just another victim of the post-Katrina PC police.

  • P.K. P.C.


I get it. There are poor people who have nothing. I guess we're not supposed to enjoy the fruits of our labor, then. I guess seventeen-year-olds aren't supposed to chug Cristal standing in the sunroof of a stretch Hummer.

  • How I Roll


So remember, kids, they may take away your prom--the one event that was your excuse to ask Susie to go all the way down in the cabin of the party boat out on Lake Ronkonkoma.

  • She Was So Ready


But never let them take away your champagne dreams and caviar wishes.

  • Don't Let the Bastards Get You Down


And that's the Word.
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