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25 January 2007 @ 10:43 pm
1/22/07: The Word and 1/23/07: Threat Down  

Stephen Colbert: Last week, the, uh, Congressional canker bloomed again. The Democrats hauled Alberto Gonzales away from fighting the War on Terror just to ask him a bunch of stupid questions about something that is none of their business: fighting the War on Terror. And get this: it was about detainees' so-called "rights". Listen, once the President declares you an enemy combatant, you don't have any rights. Read your Kafka.

Arlen Specter--Senator Arlen Specter said detainees have the right of habeas corpus--that means they can challenge their imprisonment in court. But Gonzales set him straight.

[clip, C-SPAN]
Alberto Gonzales: The fact that the Constitution--again, there is no express grant of habeas in the Constitution. There is a prohibition against taking it away--
Arlen Specter: Now wait a minute, wait a minute. The Constitution says you can't take it away, except in case of rebellion or invasion. Doesn't that mean you have the right of habeas corpus?
AG: I meant by that comment the Constitution doesn't say every individual in the United States or every citizen is hereby granted or assured the right to habeas--it doesn't say that.
[end clip]

SC: You can't fight that logic. You can only make it the subject of tonight's Word: exact words.

  • Exact Words

I'm no fan of lawyers or their lawyer talk.

  • Like "Restraining Order"

I hated to see Clinton try to hide behind "depends on what the definition of 'is' is" to get away with that hummer. It's that kind of slick wordplay that got him impeached.

  • Also Got Him The Hummer

But Alberto Gonzales isn't like other lawyers.

  • Not Interested In "Law"

He's not into fancy words.

  • Like "Presumption Of Innocence"

And what he's saying here is completely reasonable.

  • To George Orwell

And folks, there's precedent. The case of Brady v. Brady.

[Picture: Brady Bunch]

In one landmark decision, Greg has been grounded from driving the car. But later his dad catches him behind the wheel of somebody else's car. Greg defends his actions before the court.

[clip, The Brady Bunch]
Greg: You said not to drive our car.
Mike: Are you telling us that would've made any difference?
Greg: It would've made it perfectly clear, yes. It's just that I wish you could've used more exact words.
[end clip]

SC: See? Greg couldn't assume he knew his father's original intent. Attorney General Gonzales is just like Greg.

  • Won't Have Career After This

He can only--he can only go by the Founding Fathers' exact words. For the last 200 years, activists have been finding all sorts of fake "rights" in the Constitution: Miranda rights, the right to privacy, the right to be gay--and folks, I dare anyone to find the mention of anything gay in the Constitution.

  • "To Provide And Maintain A Navy"?

If a right--if a right is not expressly spelled out in the document, that means we don't have it. For instance, we have a freedom of the press, but by "press" the Founding Fathers literally meant pressing ink onto paper. So if you're using a laser printer, you can legally be hauled off to GITMO.

  • To Have Your Hewlett Viciously Packard

Just because--just because you want the Constitution to say something doesn't mean it does. Where is Senator Specter coming from, saying there's a right to habeas corpus? It's like he's holding these truths to be self-evident! Well, the attorney general and I agree that the Constitution is very clear when it comes to the treatment of prisoners. After all, Amendment Six states, quote, "In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial..."

Hey, if the guys in GITMO aren't enjoying it--and I don't think they are--we can make their trials as slow and as private as we want.

And that's the Word.

Stephen Colbert: Threat number two: The Wizard of Oz. On Monday, Hillary Clinton spoke to her supporters in a laid-back and informal web chat in which the questions had been thoroughly vetted in a laid-back and informal way. She said one of her favorite movies is The Wizard of Oz. Well, I re-watched it recently, and I can't believe I never noticed the liberal subtext before. Judy Garland--gay icon--stars as Dorothy, an innocent girl from the Heartland, who gets swept away to a drug-induced fantasy land where's she's greeted by labor activists from the local guild. After she murders a powerful Oz official, she becomes a fugitive, hitting the road with a racially diverse group including a laborer, an animal-rights activist, and a treehugger. Who are all, for some mysterious reason, great dancers. And along the way, they get so high on poppies they think they're being attacked by flying monkeys. Folks, there's a short walk from "There's no place like home" to "It Takes a Village."

And finally, the number one threat to America: Weather.com. Specifically, their new sister website, One Degree, an entire site devoted to the myth of global warming. Hey, weather.com, I can't even trust your five-day forecast of "partly cloudy with a chance of showers." You expect me to believe your fifty-year forecast of "mostly melting with a chance of apocalypse"?

But look closely at this website and you'll see the real threat: bears. Yeah. Just take a look at their alarmist screed on the effect of melting Arctic ice on polar bears.

[clip, Weather.com]
Voice-Over: The Arctic is warming up twice as fast as the rest of the world. Researchers found polar bear populations down twenty percent...
[end clip]

SC: Pay no attention to One Degree, America. We finally have these fuzzy monsters on the run, or more accurately, on the drown. If we keep pumping the CO2 into the air, those seals will greet us as liberators.
The poison of choice for assassins.rowdiebird229 on January 26th, 2007 04:12 pm (UTC)
I love that man.

Please! Do more of these!!