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01 February 2007 @ 08:39 pm
The Word (1/30 and 1/31/07) and On Notice (1/31/07)  

Stephen Colbert: But you know, the Spirit's victory isn't the only one to celebrate, folks. No, we're also winning on my favorite website, Wikipedia, the encyclopedia where you can be an authority even if you don't know what the hell you're talking about. It has over one million articles, but still no entry for tonight's Word.

  • Wikilobbying

Wikilobbying. Last year, I defined the concept of "wikiality". When Wikipedia becomes our most trusted reference source, wikiality is just what the majority agrees upon.

  • Ladies and Gentlemen, Taylor Hicks!

To inaugurate wikiality, I called on you heroes to change Wikipedia entries to say that elephant populations had tripled. You responded, the entries were changed, and Wikipedia crashed.

  • Wikiality Bites

Now, I thought--I thought that was the end. But lo and behold, look what that page said just last week:

"Thanks to the works of Stephen Colbert, the population of elephants has tripled in the past 10 years."

We saved the elephant again, America! More proof of what happens when you bring democracy to information.

  • Easier Than Bringing It To Iraq

But there is another force out there so powerful that democracy orbits around it like a satellite.

  • Until China Shoots Them Both Down

That force is free-market capitalism. I saw this headline in last Wednesday's Washington Post: "Microsoft Offering [sic] Cash for Wikipedia Edit". Apparently, the software behemoth hired an Australian computer expert to change Wikipedia entries so they would be more favorable to Microsoft's products. Now, I know a lot of people don't trust Microsoft--

  • Anti-Trust Violations

--just because they've been accused of bundling software to crush smaller companies like puppies in a pile-driver.

  • New X-Box Game

But I'm sure people are going to start trusting Microsoft again if Microsoft just pays someone to write an entry in Wikipedia about how people are trusting Microsoft again. Of course, Wikipedia founder, Jimmy Wales, said he was, quote, "...very disappointed to hear that Microsoft was taking that approach."

Boo-hoo, comrade! Open-source software is like free trade, and the invisible hand of the market has the mouse now.

  • Downloading Invisible Porn

Now, others... I'm sure others out there are going to say, "Can't Microsoft's competitors just pay someone to change it back?" Exactly. IBM can throw some of their money at perception and make their product "objectively better". Then, Microsoft can just fire their cash cannons back, and we're off to the races.

  • On Trojan Horses

This is the essence of wikilobbying. When money determines Wikipedia entries, reality has become a commodity. And I'll give five bucks to the first person who goes on Wikipedia and changes the entry on reality to that.

  • "Reality Has Become A Commodity."

And to all those--and to all those who say, "That's not what reality is," I say, "Oh, really? Look it up on Wikipedia. I think you might find I'm right."

And that's the Word.

Stephen Colbert: Now, folks, I saw some disturbing news in the New York Times the other day--take a look at this: "8 percent of rams seek sex exclusively with other rams instead of ewes." Which brings us to tonight's Word.

  • Black Sheep

Black sheep. As in, "baa, baa, black sheep, have you any wool? Yes, sir, yes, sir, and I'm pulling that wool over your eyes to further the homosexual agenda."

  • "We're Here. We're Sheared. Get Used To It."

You see, folks, the "rainbow warriors" out there are going to call this study another victory for their cause. Because if sheep do it, it must prove that being gay is natural, right?

  • Depends - Do These Sheep Bikini Wax?

Wrong. It just proves that being a sheep is unnatural. Face it, they're not in nature; they're domesticated animals. And if Brokeback Mountain is any indication, shepherds aren't exactly the best role model for these young, impressionable lambs.

  • "I Wish I Could Quilt You"

Okay. Besides, who funded this study?


Everyone already knows that sheep are gay. Hell, we even serve them with mint jelly. But I don't blame nature. I blame permissive sheep culture. "Everywhere that 'Mary' went, the lamb was sure to go"? Where's the masculine role model?

  • Little Boy Blue?

But even--even if sheep were natural, why suddenly is nature man's sexual role model? Look at the praying mantis: the female bites the male's head off after sex.

  • She Takes Good Head

So. Nature or nurture, it's wrong. And in protest of these homo-sheep-suals, tonight, after the show, I am burning everything I own that is made of wool. I don't wanna wear anything that makes me seem gay. And it's a real shame--I'm gonna have to get rid of my favorite sweater.

[Picture: Stephen wearing a rainbow-colored sweater]

And that's the Word.

Stephen Colbert: But the person I was happiest to be most disappointed to see was Hanoi Jane, up to her old subversive tricks. Jimmy?

[clip, 1/27/07]
Jane Fonda: Silence is no longer an option.
[end clip]

SC: Well, the war critics are finally right. Iraq and Vietnam do have something in common: Jane Fonda ruined both of them. Well, congratulations, Jane; you and your global warming buddies have changed the world. Because yesterday, you weren't on notice. Boys, bring the board out!

[On Notice board:
James Brady
Black Hole At Center Of Galaxy
The E Street Band
Grizzly Bears
The British Empire
Journal of Paleoliminology
Michael Adams
Todd Rundgren
Barbra Streisand
Israeli Newspapers
The Toronto Raptors]

SC: All right, I'm going to need two open spaces. Uh... okay; E Street Band--I forgive you, Nils Lofgren. And, uh... Lutherans. Uh, ever since Southern Methodist University protested the President's library, these guys have been looking a lot better. Okay. Nail that to a church door.

All right, the new--new cards; let's see what we got here... Uh, let's see, uh... uh... let's see, let's see, uh... Lee Meriwether... Werther's Originals... Here we go, Weather Channel! Okay. Weather Channel? This is gonna make you feel lower than your production values. (Get in there, you bastard.) All right! Okay. Have to have that greased.

All right. And... Jane Fonda. Fonda... Fonda... Fierstein comma Harvey... Formica... There you go! Jane Fonda! Here we go! Oh, boy. You are officially on notice. For disloyalty, treasonous words, your soft, moist lips...

I'm sorry; I blacked out. What did I just say? Oh, right. I was talking about how Jane Fonda undermines our troops, and our president, and my dreams... Stay out of my dreams! Jimmy, get that--get that dream bubble out of here! It's not helping.

Who am I kidding? I can't put Jane Fonda on notice. Not until I first put my fantasies of Jane Fonda on notice. Boys, bring out my Fantasies board!

[Fantasies Board:
Weekend With Dr. House
Duet With Justin Timberlake
Astronaut License
Jane Fonda
Colmes in GITMO
Attend Hogwarts
Golf With Nixon
Hunt Man
Wrestle Manilow
Leather Pants
Try Appletini
Baby Carrots]

SC: These are all my present fantasies; uh, you got the basics; you got, uh, Alan Colmes in GITMO; uh, hunt man. And, uh, this right, this right here, this isn't Jane Fonda; it's my fantasies of Jane Fonda. Let me tell you: they're crazy.

All right. Out you go. I'll miss you, Barbarella.

But the good news is, ladies: Fantasies board has a free slot!
freesiayourmind on February 2nd, 2007 06:26 am (UTC)
Journal of Paleoliminology. :)
like a psychotic rainbow: Colbert the Pinstriped (by nerdork)raindroproses on February 2nd, 2007 03:47 pm (UTC)
Thank you! The text was so small and pixellated, I couldn't tell what it said.