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21 February 2007 @ 12:12 pm
2/5/07--Intro and Stephen Junior; 2/6/07--Pray for Stephen  

Stephen Colbert: Tonight: climate scientist say that global warming is real. Meanwhile, I'm freezing my ass off. Explain that, science! Plus, California considers banning the light bulb. Another victory for that bastard Tesla. And I'll sit down with Wendy Kopp, founder of Teach for America. Tonight, she's gonna get taught by America. Hey, Peyton Manning, I'm going to Disney World, too! Let's go halfsies on a day pass! This is the Colbert Report!

Stephen Colbert: Nation, I'm sure you all heard about the recent power outage in Juneau, Alaska. Well, the story had a personal resonance for me. Apparently, the blackout was caused by an eagle who flew into a transmission line 'cause he was carrying a deer's head in his claws. I know what you're thinking: there's only one eagle who would even try such a stunt. My boy, Stephen Junior. Oh. Kinda looks like me.

The eagle--this is the eagle named after me by the San Francisco Zoo. I wondered, was he weighed down by the deer's head, or by his own massive cojones?

I wa--I was so scared, Nation. I knew Stephen Junior was up north. He'd slipped over the border into Canada last November. So, I went to track my boy at the Institute for Wildlife Studies' website. And take a look.

Stephen Junior's not in Alaska anymore; he's in the United States! Yeah. He must've been enticed back over the border. You see, a few weeks ago, Stephen Junior was spotted near Vancouver, so I asked the good people across the border in Bellingham, Washington, to lure him home.

[clip, The Colbert Report, 12/13/06]
SC: Residents of Bellingham, Washington, go stand at the border and wave a salmon! Or a trout!
[end clip]

SC: And they did! Take a look at this. At the Canadian border, legions of Bellingham heroes--well, five--held signs and waved fish. Thank you, Bellingham! You did it! You brought my boy back to the safety of southwestern Washington.

Wait a minute. Southwestern Washington? Jim--Jimmy, put that map back up. Is that... show me Washington's Third District! OH MY GOD! Stephen Junior's in the Fightin' Third! Represented by Democrat Brian Baird! I Better Knew him! He's a meth addict! And I happen to know he introduced something he called the "Endangered Salmon Predation Act", which would protect salmon by killing sea lions! He admits it!

[clip, "Better Know a District", The Colbert Report]
Rep. Brian Baird: I really am sorry that we're gonna probably have to do this to a small number of sea lions. I sincerely am sorry.

SC: What are sea lions except giant eagles without wings? And flippers and fur? Who swim in the water instead of fly in the sky?
[end clip]

SC: Get out of there, Junior! You're in danger! Residents of St. Helens, Oregon, stand at the Washington border and wave some fish to entice him further south. I know I said you're California's Canada, but that's all in the past. Get my boy out of there before that lunatic Congressman Brian Baird kills him.

Stephen Colbert: Now, my day--they got a little list here--my day is February 22nd, right there. They got 'em all--they got 'em all listed here. They're praying for people alphabetically--more proof that God speaks English--and, uh, I'm right here between Glenn Close and Phil Collins. The only way this could be a bigger honor is if this were 1983.

They also, uh, they also sent me something called a, uh, a "Personal Prayer Card". Here it is. Uh, let's see, uh, it's, uh, it's what people are going to be praying for me. Okay. Uh, let's see... God directing and guiding my life... uh, infuse my decisions with a strong moral sense... uh, my tremendous power and influence will be used to uplift and liberate...

Uh... okay. I don't wanna seem ungrateful, but, uh... I already have everything on this list. But I don't want this opportunity to go to waste. So, Nation, if you're one of the tens of thousands of people who are going to be praying for me on February 22nd, get out a pen. I'd like to add a few items. I'll give you second here. All right.

Ready? Okay. Please pray that God will grant me a Gulfstream IV jet. Not a Gulfstream II. There's a difference, and God knows what it is. Okay?

Second, that God will grant me the power of invisibility. I will only use it for good... Soledad O'Brien.

And pray that I may travel back in time to bare-knuckle fight Oliver Cromwell. "West of the River Shannon" my ass, you Roundhead! ...Gotta find a way to penetrate the box! Oooh. Just pray for that. Pray for this ability.

Now, let me see, let me see who else, uh, MasterMedia is praying for today. February 6th... Mel Brooks. This is perfect. He is this close to accepting Jesus Christ as his personal savior. I'm praying for you, Mel!