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28 October 2005 @ 08:46 pm
Episode 3--The Word (Disappointed)  

October 19, 2005

Stephen Colbert: Thank you. These people get it. Before we start, I just wanna talk about something. Um... I had a terrible night last night. Um, more on that later. But when I got up this morning, I just needed a little boost. You know, a little jolt to start the day. So I did what I always do. I had a caramel apple. People call me a maverick, but they're the perfect breakfast. You got the caramel on the outside--it's smooth, it's creamy, it's inviting--it's a jolt of sugar stronger than any cup of coffee--then you got the, you got the apple on the inside, it's got all that fiber--nature's broom--and all the convenience of stick-based food. I'm tellin' ya. Tomorrow morning, try a caramel apple. You know what I'm talkin' about, right, Bobby? You like caramel apples?

Bobby: Uh, yeah. Yeah, ca-candy apples are--they're great.

SC: Exactly. Folks, tomorrow morning, get yourself a caramel apple; I guarantee you will not be disappointed.

Which brings us to tonight's Word: disappointed.

  • Disappointed


I, like a lot of you, I'm sure, have been looking forward to the start of Saddam's trial. The TV event of the year. It's like the Oscars.

  • Saddam Trial = Oscars


But with atrocities.

  • + Testicle Shocking


So last night--and this is, this is what happened last night--last night I set my alarm for three a.m., and I snuggled up on the couch with a mug of cocoa and Mahmud, my Arabic translator. He's a good guy.

  • One of the Good Ones


Now, I don't know who's producing this trial--

  • We Are


--but starting off by... but starting it off by pushing it back to November 28th? Now, I know November is a sweeps month--I get it.

  • I Know Les Moonves


But you don't hook an audience by running the pilot and then going off the air for six weeks! If you're gonna take this show on hiatus, for God's sake, retool it.

  • Re-Imagineer


Where's the cage? We were promised a cage! War criminals sit in a cage.

  • Caged Heat


That is standard for both the Geneva and television conventions. Or if you people have never seen the Adolf Aikman show. Instead, we got this.

That is not a cage! That is a playpen! The next time a two-year-old commits genocide, we're all set.

  • It Could Happen


Come on.

  • Come On


This guy's a monster. At least have a proper perp--have a proper perp walk. Put him in a--in an orange jumpsuit with some prison tats, or better yet, a, a Hannibal Lecter mask.

  • Didn't He Eat Kurds


For God's sake! Clean him up! He looks like he's doing a dinner-theater production of Fiddler on the Roof!

  • I Cried


Bring back the old Saddam. The one we knew and loved. And then deposed. Shave the beard--that's good--keep the moustache, brush in a little Just For Men--that's your leading man, right there. Remember this guy? Oh! That's him right there!

I would give him back the rifle, too. Just load it with fifty blanks, and one real bullet. Builds tension.

Now, I'm not telling you how to do your job, but where's the sex? Maybe a woman, who should know better, falls in love with him. And then they consummate their love. They consummate their love--maybe in the cage.

  • Yeah, Right in the Cage


Remember, this is the only character from the original war and the sequel that America still cares about. If you do this trial right, you can remind us why we tuned in to begin with. If you don't, we're all gonna be very... disappointed.

  • Disappointed


And that's tonight's Word.
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