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20 August 2007 @ 06:09 pm
8/7/07, 8/9/07, 8/13/07, 8/15/07--The Word  

8/7/07--The Word

Stephen Colbert: Of course, there was another big story over the weekend, folks. President Bush signed into law a bill passed by Congress that allows him to monitor the e-mails and international phone calls of U.S. citizens, without a warrant. Even citizens not suspected of having terrorist ties. I believe there are three of those left: Alberto Gonzales, Toby Keith, and my dog Gipper. Who's not a terrorist? Who's not a terrorist? You're not a terrorist! No, you're not! You're not a terrorist!

Now, I'll admit this sounds great at first. Sixteen Democrats in the Senate and forty-one in the House siding with the Republicans, the President getting what he wants, and terrorists are now forced to revert to smoke signals. But, Nation, legalizing warrantless surveillance is actually a dangerous step backwards, and it brings us to tonight's Word.

  • The Dark Side

The dark side. Folks, just five days after September 11th, the Vice President Cheney told us what it would take to win the War on Terror, explaining: "We have to work the dark side, if you will. Spend time in the shadows..."

Exactly. It's just like math class. When you're confronted with a difficult problem, turn the lights off.

  • Then, Torture A Nerd For The Answer

You see, the Vice President knew that we cannot win this war if we go by the book.

  • Or The Constitution

You... you do whatever it takes--you go beyond what's legal. You go past what's acceptable.

  • You Shoot A Man In The Face

But thanks--thanks to this new law, all that "dark side" is now allowed. And we know doing what's allowed is not enough.

  • Nobody Tempted By Approved Fruit

Now, tragically--tragically, folks, we are illuminating more and more of the dark side every day. Now that indefinite detention, enhanced interrogation, and domestic spying are acceptable, it is getting harder and harder to find those things that we as Americans theoretically cannot bring ourselves to do.

  • Vote?

I mean, what's left that's beyond the pale? Hollowing out enemy combatants and using them as hand puppets to act out episodes of 24? We shouldn't be even able to conceive of the actions necessary to win this conflict.

  • Troop Withdrawal?

But, Nation, we must. I am calling on you, the heroes, to imagine scenes of physical depravity and shocking illegality. Quickly. Before Congress legalizes them. Because if we keep allowing the things that we as a people have agreed we shouldn't be doing, who's gonna win this war?

  • The Dark Side

And that's the Word.

8/9/07--The Word

Stephen Colbert: Nation, when it comes to the 2008 presidential candidates, I am strictly impartial. It does not matter if I'm covering an American hero like Fred Thompson, or a money-grubbing, opportunistic Ken doll like John Edwards. It's not easy giving them all fair treatment, especially when the Democrats keep getting together and saying things. Already they have put on their dog and donkey show in New Hampshire, South Carolina, and Chicago. That is an awful lot of public parks for Mike Gravel to be sleeping in.

But there is--there is something important missing from these debates, folks, and Rudy Giuliani knows what it is.

[clip, Fox News, 5/5/2007]
Rudy Giuliani: Democrats never even mentioned the words "radical Islamic terrorism". Couldn't even get it out of their mouths.

[clip, PBS, 8/1/07]
RG: Four Democratic debates, Charlie. Four Democratic debates, not once did any of them use the words "Islamic terrorism".

[clip, ABC, 8/5/07]
RG: In four Democratic debates, not a single Democratic candidate said the word "Islamic terrorism".
[end clips]

SC: Rudy has used the words "Islamic terrorism" so many times, the phrase "September 11th" is starting to get jealous.

But, folks, he is making a crucial point. A point that brings us to tonight's Word.

  • Clarity

Clarity. You see, folks, Giuliani knows you cannot win if it's not clear who you're fighting.

  • Usually, Ex-Wives

But the Democrats insist on muddying the waters. Here's who the Democrats say we're up against.

[clip, C-SPAN, 8/7/07]
Sen. Barack Obama: Al-Qaeda operatives--

[clip, CNN, 6/3/07]
Sen. Hillary Clinton: The resurgent Taliban and al-Qaeda fighters--

[clip, C-SPAN, 8/7/07]
Sen. Chris Dodd: Islamic fundamentalist state--

[clip, CNN, 6/3/07]
Sen. John Edwards: Radical Islam--
[end clips]

SC: That's four different enemies! They make it sound like we're in the middle of a complex, nuanced struggle requiring deep understanding of the differences between politically and religiously diverse groups. How are you gonna fit that on a bumper sticker?

You see, ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, our enemies are a massive group of religious fanatics bent on destroying us at all costs. They're "Islamic terrorists". I can't think of a better term to describe them.

  • Or Unite Them

Not--not using that phrase is just an example of political correctness.

  • We're "Differently Terrified"

No. No, no, folks, it is worse than political correctness--it is actual correctness. And we all know, too often, correctness gets bogged down in details.

  • Fails To See Bigger Caricature

If we really want to win this war, we have to paint with broad strokes. I mean, we--we'd have stamped out organized crime by now if we referred to the Mafia as "Italian terrorists".

  • "That's A Spicy-A Car Bomb!"

Nation--folks, if we're not careful, we can get stuck in an ill-defined, unwinnable, indefinite commitment to understanding who we're up against.

  • The War On Error

We need--we need to return to the clarity of the good old days. Before there was any difference between Sunnis and Shi'ites.

  • 632 A.D.

Back when--back when there were freedom fries, and our justification for war was three simple letters: W--

  • L


  • LI


  • LIE

Now, Nation, whenever America finds itself in a neverending conflict between good and ultimate evil, like the War on Drugs, the government appoints a czar. Well, I propose Rudy Giuliani be America's Language Czar.

  • First Issue: "Czar" or "Tsar"?

He--he can decide what words help America--

  • "President Giuliani"

--and which words weaken us.

  • "Habeas Corpus"?

Now we can let America's Mayor pick America's language. After all, if we don't use his simple, all-encompassing label for all of our enemies, he knows there's no way to win.

  • The Election

And that's the Word.

8/13/07--The Word

Stephen Colbert: Nation, during a presidential campaign, it's not only important to look at the candidates, it's also important to look at their spouses. That's why I keep a poster of Fred Thompson's wife, Jeri Kehn, over my bed. It's for work, honey!

I also like the cut of Elizabeth Edwards' jib. Women have jibs, right? They're telling me I'm right. Anyway, something Elizabeth Edwards said in a recent interview really caught my attention. When asked about her husband's campaign finances, she said, quote, "We can't make John black, we can't make him a woman...those things get you a certain amount of fundraising dollars." Which brings us to tonight's Word.

  • White Guy

White guy. Now, it's common knowledge that I don't see race. But what you might not know is that I also don't see gender. I know someone's a woman when I am overwhelmed by sexual attraction. That's how I finally pinned down Keanu Reeves. Great actress, by the way.

  • Stephen Doesn't See Acting, Either

Now, despite my blind spots, I understand that the possibility of a black or female president is generating excitement among donors.

  • White House May Get Groove Back

My problem with what Ms. Edwards said is simply, she's talking like a victim. Even if Obama's race and Hillary's gender are helping to raise funds this year, there's really only one question for the Edwards campaign.

  • If It Falls In A Forest, Will Anyone Hear It?

How should John Edwards respond? Simple: John Edwards should declare himself a black woman.

  • Republican Candidates Already Declared Themselves Reagan

Now, folks, is John Edwards really a black woman? It doesn't matter. These days, a unilateral declaration of reality will seem very presidential.

  • If Accompanied By Signing Statement

Plus, I think--I think Edwards makes a lot of sense as a black woman. To begin with, sticking up for the poor? Pretty girly.

  • FDR + LBJ = BFF!!!

And who spends--who spends $400 on their hair? Girls.

  • And Stephen

Also, John Edwards is five foot, eleven inches. You know who else is five foot, eleven inches? Former NBA basketball player John Lucas of the Houston Rockets. And guess what else? He's black.

Plus, John Edwards is with a white woman. I hear that's very popular with black guys.

There have been endless debates on whether Barack Obama is truly black. Well, I say let's start one on whether John Edwards is.

  • Hint: No

Think about it, Senator. There is no downside--unless America isn't ready for a black, female president. Of course, if that happens, you've got a great fallback--you're a white guy.

  • White Guy

And they usually get elected. And that's the Word.

8/15/07--The Word

Stephen Colbert: Speaking of hounded animals--Alberto Gonzales. I... America is cheering for you, sir. I have got some bad news for the liberal vultures who have been circling around his fallen body. He's still twitching, guys. Now I'll admit that Gonzales has faced questions about his "competence". His enemies in Congress have been calling for his resignation, both in public and--as Gonzales knows well--in their private phone conversations. Should've gotten that scrambler, Chuck Schumer.

Well, the Attorney General's critics are about to be silenced, and the reason is tonight's Word.

  • Potential

Potential. You see, it's not that the Attorney General isn't up to the job, it's that the job hasn't been up to him. He hasn't been asked to work at his potential.

  • Can Perjure At 12th Grade Level

He's like... he's like a kid in school who isn't challenged by the curriculum. His mind wanders, he loses his focus, and pretty soon, he can't remember why he's there.

  • Or Why He Fired Those U.S. Attorneys

But the Justice Department has found a solution to this problem. A new set of rules that would, quote, "...give Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales important new sway over death penalty cases...including the power to shorten the time that death row inmates have to appeal..."

This new power to fast-track executions--a power that used to belong solely to judges--will be a great way to keep his attention. Like a shiny object.

  • Medal of Freedom

Congress--Congress gave him a great toy to play with a couple of weeks ago when they approved his new warrantless wiretapping powers. Now he can conduct investigations and proceed to executions quickly.

  • At A Breakneck Pace

Plus, less time--less time to appeal a death sentence is more humane. Alberto Gonzales knows better than anyone what it's like to spend months in limbo while the mob cries for your head.

  • Has Dug Escape Tunnel Through Constitution

Now, critics--critics who questions Gonzales's judgement now are hesitant to give him more power. I say, the faster he can pass judgement, the better he'll be at it. For instance, I'm a terrible driver at thirty miles an hour, which is why I drive at eighty.

But as long as we're making Gonzales a judge, let's go the whole nine yards and make him an executioner as well. He can listen in on his warrantless wiretaps, and if he hears anyone say a suspicious phrase--

  • Like "Habeas Corpus"

--he can then just flip a switch and send ten thousand volts right through the phone line and fry them like a bug.

  • Can You Hear Me Now?

He--he is already the most powerful law-enforcement officer in the country, why not make him RoboCop? A one-man justice system with super-hearing, one arm that's a steel gavel, and another that shoots lethal injections.

And to those of you who say that speeding up executions only increases the potential that innocent people will be put to death, I say Alberto Gonzales is the perfect man for the job. Because even if he executes the wrong guy, he won't be crippled by remorse. Because to feel remorse about a mistake, you have to remember the mistakes you make. Right?

[Alberto Gonzales: "I don't recall."]

And that's the Word.
racethewind10 on February 2nd, 2008 07:27 pm (UTC)
God Bless Colbert!