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26 December 2005 @ 06:19 pm
The Word--XMas  

Stephen Colbert: I, I went to a friend's party this weekend. It was a great party--spiral-cut ham, which, um, I think is the best way to cut a ham. Most meats, uh, benefit from a spiral cut. And they had this Christmas grab bag. For those who aren't familiar, it's kinda complicated: there's a bag, and you grab something out of it. Everybody puts in a gift. Now I'd hoped I'd grabbed the same gift I put in: a Feline Frolic remote-controlled cat exerciser from the good people at Sharper Image. Jimmy, do you have a--can we put up a picture of that? There you go. Sharper Image, the only place I shop. That and Sky Mall, which... which, for my money, is the best source for solar-powered, self-inflating pool equipment.

Anyway, somebody else got my Feline Frolic remote-controlled cat exerciser. I guess it worked out for the best--I don't have a cat--but, you know, God controls Christmas grab bags in mysterious ways, because I drew out this book right here: The War on Christmas, by Fox News' John Gibson. And I gotta tell you, folks--it alarmed me. I've been so busy this season designing my gingerbread manger and mulling cider that I didn't even realize Christmas was pinned down by enemy fire. Well, I'm here with some much-needed air support in the form of tonight's word: XMas.

  • XMas

Yeah. It's America's way of saying, "Have a Merry Anything-But-Christmas." I went to the drugstore last night--

  • Returning Cialis - Four Hours?!

--and I looked around and I found these cards. "Happy Holidays." "Season's Greetings." "Blessings of the Yule Tide." Evidently, the stormtroopers of diversity think there's a nicer way to say "Merry Christmas." Sorry, Reich Marshal Tolerance; I happen to think saying "Merry Christmas" is pretty nice already. And for the record, wishing a non-Christian "Merry Christmas" isn't excluding them. It's including them in our celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, the only son of God. It's no different than inviting a foreign exchange student to a Fourth of July barbecue.

  • Have a Wiener, Ingrid.

Too many people... too many people forget what Christmas is all about.

  • Except Linus

Everything we do--everything we do this season should in some way relate to Jesus. Decorating trees, writing letters to an elf, and kissing under a sprig of mistletoe.

  • It's for Jesus, Charlene!

By the way, it should be a real tree. A Douglas fir, none of this white pine business. The needles must hurt, or it doesn't count.

  • No Pain, Dear--No Reindeer.

Now, sure, you can decorate it with popcorn on a string, but no cranberries. It's garland, not a ***damn granola bar.

  • The Bleeped Word Was God.

Now... and put a star on top, okay? Not an angel. What's an angel doing up there, talking to the shepherds? Then you need shepherds on the tree, and sheep, obviously, and then it's anarchy. All those people--all those people belong in the nativity scene. And it's called a nativity scene, by the way, not a creche.

  • Made-Up Word

This war on Christmas--this war on Christmas is just a part of the larger war on Christianity. Christians in the United States are a persecuted minority.

  • All 80% of Them

A minority under seige by the powers that be.

  • Except for the President, Congress and State Legislatures

If not... I agree. Give it up for Christmas. ...Not again, but I agree the first time.

If not this season, where else will we defend Christianity?

  • Darfur?

Well, I say the best defense is a good offense.

  • Blitzen-Kreig

So, this XMas--

  • XMas

--let's get rid of the X.

  • Mas

And bring back the Jesus.

  • JesusMas

Because if there's one thing Jesus cared about, it's semantics. And that's the Word.
the girl they call "Anna"99_regrets on December 27th, 2005 01:08 am (UTC)
it's like a segment from last week- I forget whether it was Jon or Stephen- who was like "Have a merry Christy Christ Jesus God-loving Christmas..."
Rachel: colbert - god machineenigma1434 on December 27th, 2005 04:30 am (UTC)
haha, that one was awesome. thanks for posting. :)
aki: retortaki on December 27th, 2005 05:14 pm (UTC)
I've been referring to JesusMas all season...