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18 October 2005 @ 10:33 pm
*insert potential spoiler here*  
Ahkay. I transcribed the "word" portion of The Colbert Report. Because, since I have no homework tonight, I am at a loss for what to do with myself.


Stephen Colbert: I, uh, I just wanna take a moment here. Now, I know that this is my show, and that my name may be up there in the title, and silhouetted on the back wall so it looks like we put it up there twice. And on this Plasma screen down here, and on the chaser lights at the bottom of this platform, and on either side of the desk, which is itself shaped like a giant C. Can we get a jib shot of that? C for Colbert. Thanks.

But this show is not about me. No, this program is dedicated to you. The heroes. And who are the heroes? The people who watch this show. Average, hard-working Americans--you're not the elites; you're not the country club crowd. I know for a fact that my country club would never let you in. But you get it. And you come from a long line of it-getters. You're the folks who say, "Something's got to be done." Well, you're doing something right now. You're watching TV.

On this show, on this show, your voice will be heard. In the form of my voice. 'Cause you're looking at a straight-shooter, America. I tell it like it is; I calls 'em like I sees them. I will speak to you in plain, simple English. And that brings us to tonight's Word.

  • Truthiness


Truthiness. Now, I'm sure some of the word police, the "wordinistas" over at Webster's, are gonna say, "Hey, that's not a word!" Well, anybody who knows me know that I'm no fan of dictionaries or reference books. They're elitist.

  • Reference Books High and Mighty


Constantly telling us what is or isn't true or what did or didn't happen. Who's Britannica to tell me the Panama Canal was finished in 1914? If I wanna say it happened in 1941, that's my right.

I don't trust books. They're all fact--no heart. And that's exactly what's pulling our country apart today. 'Cause face it, folks, we are a divided nation. Not between Democrats and Republicans, or conservatives and liberals, or tops and bottoms--no--

  • Pitchers & Catchers


--we are divided between those who think with their head and those who know with their heart.

  • Head Bad, Heart Good


Consider Harriet Miers. If you think about Harriet Miers, of course her nomination's absurd. But the president didn't say he thought about his selection.

  • No Thinking


He said this:

(clip, President Bush)
I know her heart.
(end clip)

SC: Notice how he said nothing about her brain? He didn't have to. He feels the truth about Harriet Miers. And what about Iraq? If you think about it, maybe there are a few missing pieces to the rationale for war. But doesn't taking Saddam out feel like the right thing?

  • I'll say!


Right here? Right here in the gut? 'Cause that's where the truth comes from, ladies and gentlemen. The gut. Do you know you have more nerve endings in your stomach than in your head?

  • True


Look it up! Now, somebody's gonna say, "I did look that up, and it's wrong." Well, mister, that's 'cause you looked it up in a book. Next time, try looking it up in your gut.

  • Check Gut


I did. And my gut tells me that's how our nervous system works. Now, I know some of you may not trust your gut--yet--but with my help, you will.

  • You'll Get There


The truthiness is, anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news--

  • Feel The News


--at you.
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Thesaurus Rex: Squeeeevirtuistic on October 19th, 2005 07:01 am (UTC)
This is delightful! xD

I'm showing it to all my friends that missed the first ep! Sorry individuals though they are...